Monday, December 21, 2009

I Have These Days . . .

There are days, such as this one, that others think I am far stronger than I am.

There are days of self-doubt and wishful thinking for times and events in the future as well as times and events of the past.

Am I doing the right thing? Was that decision the best possible? Was it made too quickly? Did I delay too long? Would that I could know the beginning from the END! Or would I truly want to?

So, I go with my gut whose feeling is born of the wisdom of my elders, the experience of my past, the hopes for my future, the dreams blossoming in my heart and just plain common sense. Knowing I've not ever been perfect, nor will I ever BE perfect, I can accept my choices and plan for the best. If what happens turns out to not be the best course of action, I can readjust mid-course and set sail for a new course, a new destination.

(Although, my hair may much more less in quantity and/or shorter than it was before *smile*)

Life evolves, as I do. Which, as I might remind you here, is healthy. After all, have you ever smelled something stagnant? Anyone who knows me intimately, understands I do not sit still (unless my ankle is broken and even then I am challenged to do so). I do not stand still. Even physically, I move quickly and with purpose. I want to be on my way. Somewhere. Somewhere beautiful, fulfilling, fun and where there is love.

This is what I wish for those in my life, as well. If ever I can be a star ahead of you, at a place to where you've not yet gone, to guide you with the light that has come from my own experience, I am here. To listen, to encourage, to lift up.

I AM on my way. I will be SURE of my direction until something indicates to me otherwise, then there is the possibility that at that time, I will be incredibly UNsure :-)

But until that moment, you may still find me, on my way to the rest of my life.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Not Quite the State of the Union. . . but a State of My Life

Where do I start? The photo to the left could very well be one of my beginnings. It was a significant milepost in my life. You might say, this is a reflection of the last several months, somewhat of a "State of My Life".

I've been doing much thinking of late. You know, about my life and all?

About new beginnings. (Does that mean I have old endings? If I've started over, does that mean I ended under?)

I've realized that there are no do-overs but there are indeed start-overs. That I can begin anew (after I've ended a-old?). That nothing ever goes as planned but then who ever said it would or that it should?

Now, for an Oscar moment.

Beginnings. I'm thankful for them. I'd like to thank my parents for my very first beginning, for without them, I'd not be here today to begin again. There are many of influence who have been a part of each journey around the sun, who without, I'd not be here today. Literally.
Endings. I'd like to thank those along the way who were responsible for the many endings in my life, for without them, I'd not have had the strength, the courage, the inspiration or the need to start over. Many life lessons were learned along the way, making me the woman you see here before you today. Frankly, I like her and am thrilled to get to know her, continuing to make her acquaintance each and every dawn.
Other than the love of family and some friends, there is virtually nothing that remains the same in my story from last year's chapter to the new one being written. Not my job (figuring that out), not my marriage (it's no longer), not my home (it's a small apartment), not who lives with me (I am now totally alone without parents or kids or spouse), not the technology I am used to (learning Mac), not the part of the country in which I reside (now CO), not my finances (very poor but hey I'm not starving), not the weather (way colder here), not what I own (not much besides my car, wait the bank shares it with me), nor even who I am (which I might mention is indeed, the BEST part!). Yes, it is unnerving and extraordinarily sad many, many times and I remain cynical, quite hard actually, not able to open up fully to anyone. But you know what? This new chapter is also exciting! Challenging! An adventure! I can only be a BETTER woman because of it. Right?! Yes! You'd better believe it. Because I know it. I'm living it.

I am loving my life, as uncertain as it is at the moment.

What I do know with absolute certainty, is that I am okay, I WILL be okay. That I am loved.

None of which would be possible without the love and encouragement of many. The Many, who have joined me on life's journey from ALL walks of life, have entered through varied portals. Yes, portals even such as Twitter, MySpace and Facebook :-) Someday, I may tell you stories of the parts each have played in my life. I am defined by numerous things, not simply any ONE.

And I am rich. My life exhibits a richness, woven with the unique threads brought into my life by those who I've met not only early in my life but also those who have graced my life with their presence in the recent past. For now, suffice it to say: I am blessed by each one of you. I would not trade you for all the tea in China or all the coffee at Starbucks. I love you. I am here because of you. I THRIVE because of you.

I am finished with merely surviving. Watch me. I am on . . . my . . . way!

Thank you!

Now, I would like to thank my loyal agent, my adoring and faithful fans and my hard-working publicist . . .